People Aren’t Boring, They’re Hiding: A Conversation About Vulnerability And Dating
My latest guest on Something Positive for Positive People, Dr. Angela Skurtu, said something profound during our podcast recording. We were deep into a discussion about vulnerability and dating, how fear and shame affects our ability to connect with one another. A marriage therapist and sexuality expert, she told me that she doesn’t believe anyone is boring. People who we may classify as boring (or who classify themselves as boring) are simply hiding. My overactive, overthinking mind took this and ran with it. Who’s boring? Who’s hiding? What’s this look like? It’s certainly something I’ve observed, but had never put to words.
When I connect with someone who’s recently found Something Positive for Positive People, they often lead with, “My story isn’t all that exciting” or something along those lines. It’s usually after feeling comfortable and safe that I learn things about them they appear to have been hiding. Not necessarily out of shame for being who they are, but out of fear of being perceived as boring.
I can’t tell you how often I’ve experienced people come out of hiding in the comfort of their emotional safety. I’m talking about people I’ve only spoken to for the first time, people who’ve never been on a podcast, been interviewed, or even talked to anyone else about their personal hobbies and interests before.
This led me to ask, what is it that’s so attractive about sharing such personal things to a complete stranger? Then I answered the question with another question: what classifies someone as a stranger? I’ve shared a lot on the podcast. So in that sense, people who share things with me aren’t sharing with a stranger, but sharing with me in a community/safe space they didn’t have before, a space where felt free to exist as themselves. I’m only a stranger in the sense that they don’t have to see me at their jobs, or down the street by the bus stop, or at the bar.
It’s important to have safe spaces to freely express our existence and be seen. When being seen seems threatening, we hide and others receive that as us being disinterested or bored, and if we share, we could be seen as boring. The reality is that we’re just hiding.
Check out episode 107 of Something Positive for Positive People where we dive deeper into the aspects of shame and vulnerability in relation to dating and connecting with one another!
Stay Sex Positive!
Courtney W. Brame is the Founder of Something Positive for Positive People, a hub of sex-positive resources.
For comments or questions on this week’s episode of SPPP, reach out via www.spfpp.org Courtney Brame is on social media @HOnMyChest