7 Sex Tips for Queer Guys Who Are Just Coming Out
Photo by Cihan Soysakal (@cihansoysakal)
You don’t wake up one morning, and magically, you know everything about sex. Sex is learned through a combination of education and practice. Unfortunately, sex education in the United States (and across the globe) is severely lacking, especially if you’re queer. They only teach you to wear condoms and that’s only if they’re not spouting abstinence only.
That’s why the main way to learn about sex is through trial and error, which yes, can be exciting and fun, but can also be a pain in the ass (literally). I wish I had a queer person sit me down and say, “Hey, sex between dudes is freaking awesome, but there are some things you should really know in order to have a safe and pleasurable time. Here’s what they are.”
As they say, be the change you want to see in the world. I’m going to be that queer instructor I wish I had when I had started sleeping with men, 10 years and roughly 1,000 partners ago. So go ahead and think of me as your Fairy God-daddy, as I tell you 7 queer sex tips I wish I had known before coming out as bisexual.
1) There are tops, bottoms, vers queens, vers tops, power bottoms, etc.
Starting off really basic here, you can either be the penetrator, meaning the one sticking your penis in the other man’s behind, and that’s called the “top,” or you could be the one being penetrated, which is referred to as the bottom. Most men prefer one action to the other, but if you prefer and do both, you’re called vers (which is short for verse, which is short for versatile). Now let’s say your preference is to top, but once in a blue moon you like bottoming, you would be considered a vers top. The opposite preference would be called a vers bottom. There are more labels you’ll come to learn, because boy, the queer community sure loves its labels, but these five should cover most of them.
2) Some people just “know” what position they are; others need to experiment.
I’ve met many men who have never topped, and similarly, many men who’ve never bottomed. They simply haven’t had any desire to do one of the sexual acts. But for the rest of us, it’s good to try out both to see if you have a preference.
3) Take your fiber pills and douche.
Now if you’re bottoming, you may think to yourself, well, how do I guarantee it doesn’t get dirty, if you know what I mean. The answer is to douche your anus. I’m not going to delve into how to do that, but in short, you take a hose-like device and rinse your behind while in the shower. (If you google how to anal douche, there are some good step-by-step tutorials). I’d also recommend taking daily fiber pills (you can buy them on Amazon), to help maintain a healthy digestive tract.
4) Analingus isn’t even kinky — it’s foreplay done 95% of the time.
Before I came out, (but I was still hooking up with men), I remember one guy who ate my ass (meaning he licked my booty hole), and I thought it was so weird and kinky. The truth of the matter is, it’s standard foreplay in gay culture. Yes, it may sound gross; at first I was weirded out. But once you get over that initial disgust, it’s something that is incredibly arousing for both the top and bottom.
5) There will always be more men — so no need to rush.
I got a little excited when I first came out. I created a Grindr account and my bedroom became a revolving door of man after man. I don’t regret it. It was an awesome time in my life, but there were certain times where I made some bad choices because I wanted to hook up with one guy specifically. You may think that because you’re queer, your options are limited, but with apps, they really are not. There will always be more men, so you don’t ever need to do anything stupid or risky for sex.
6) You can protect yourself from HIV with PrEP
Like many queer men, my school instilled the fear of God in me when it came to HIV. At the time, and yes, I’m getting old, my educators did call it a death sentence. The thing is, now it’s easier than ever to protect yourself from acquiring HIV. There’s a daily pill, called Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP) that decreases the likelihood of getting HIV through sex by 99% – even when not wearing a condom.
7) You can live a long healthy life with HIV, and not pass on the virus to others.
Also, HIV is absolutely not a death sentence. I can’t emphasize this enough! Men and women with HIV can now live long and healthy lives. Additionally, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced two years ago that a person with HIV who has an undetectable viral load — meaning levels of HIV in the blood are below the threshold of detection — are unable to transmit HIV to their partners. This is often summarized with the phrase Undetectable = Untransmittable or U = U. So you really don’t need to worry about getting HIV through anal sex if you’re taking to your partner about their status and on PrEP. You can also sleep with undetectable men without fearing you’re going to contract the virus.
Alright boys, armed with sexual knowledge, get out there, bend over, and have some fun.
Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, culture, and entertainment. He was formerly the digital associate editor at OUT Magazine.His work has been featured in Rolling Stone, Washington Post, Playboy, and more.